My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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