saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
