Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
