Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
