you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
