K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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