I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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