somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
