Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
