There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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