I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
