i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
