I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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