someone threw a dead crab at me
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
