Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
