I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
