We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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