Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
