he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
What a dumb baby whore.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
