That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
