I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
