How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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