Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
