just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
