whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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