If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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