margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
