bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
