I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
