I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
