It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
