I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
