Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
