So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
