I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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