I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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