it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
