she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I enjoy the company of your penis
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
