Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
