I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
