just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
