Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
