if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
