Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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