You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
