I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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