it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
