totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
