We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
