We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
