Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
