he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
