Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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