The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
