watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
